“Empathy, Sympathy, and a Broken Relationship”
Photograph by John Diamond, M.D.
How much
do you feel
your other
is feeling?
They were only together a short time when she became pregnant. Here they are six years later with a boy of whom they are both so proud – and very deservedly so.
However two years after his birth they separated and only recently have returned. Both with recriminations.
Within a few minutes with her – tuning in – I sense her major problem. To do with the birth. Caesarian? No.
Episiotomy? Yes! A middle of the night emergency. The baby’s heart suddenly stopped – cord around his neck. The doctor immediately cut her open – widely. Then a vacuum delivery and he was saved.
But what of her? For two years after – no sex. Hence he left.
As I often see after an episiotomy, she felt, for want of a better word, castrated. And further more, she confides that she has never felt right there – especially as there is “loose skin inside.” I suppose from a hasty repair.
She never told him of her feelings – and he never felt to ask.
Why did he never feel what she is always feeling?
That’s the real problem in their relationship. He has no empathy for her.
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Empathy is defined as “a vicarious identification with and understanding of another’s feelings.”
I suppose I had empathy for her which drew me so quickly to her problem.
Much less than, but similar to, what she always has for their child.
Sympathy is quite different: “a capacity for sharing in the suffering of another.”
A sympathetic doctor would cry with the patient!
But he must be empathetic. For only then can he have compassion: “deep awareness of the suffering of another and the wish to alleviate it.”
It is this that distinguishes the healer from the treater.
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What to do for this couple? Especially as I believe she already felt his lack of empathy which is why in those two years she didn’t confide in him.
The place to start will be – if possible – to help him to empathize. With the basic other – his mother.
